I think this may actually have worked. I mixed some cheap olive oil with a lye solution, heated them up, stirred them up, and it looks like we're in business.
I made the mistake of pouring it into an aluminum roasting pan to mold it, and that didn't agree with the strong base. But it cooled off on the basement floor, and it's starting to set up. Hopefully in a few weeks I can unmold it, cut it into bars and start getting myself clean. Based on the little samples I've scraped out of the kettle, this stuff will wash away your sins.